Uncovering the Truth: Understanding
the Impact of American Culture on the Black Male Black Female
Relationship by Elonda R.
Wilder-Hamilton
The
Black male/Black female struggle has been, and continues to be, the focus of
countless debates, discussions, newspaper and magazine articles, books,
television talk shows, convention symposiums, etc. And without a doubt there are
just as many opinions on what is wrong with Black male/Black females
relationships as there are individuals with solutions to the problems. In this
paper I will attempt to examine the impact of external factors, such as the
legacy of slavery, segregation, integration and institutionalized racism, as
well as the internal factors, such as self-hatred, depression, and low
self-esteem have had, and are having on Black/male Black female relationships. I
will also discuss the problems inherent in Black male/Black female relationships
when Black masculinity and femininity are defined by Euro-centric standards.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems, and the same holds true for the Black
male/Black female relationship. Lastly, I will offer some solutions that I hope
will be beneficial in helping us gain a better understanding of the overall
complexity of Black male/Black female relationships in America. For many
African Americans dealing with the history of slavery is very difficult to say
the least. For some it is easier to deny the pain than to acknowledge the
suffering that our foremothers and fathers had to endure. Because of this, there
are lingering anxieties in the hearts and minds of Black people that few will
ever fully examine or make conscious. Na'im Akbar refers to this condition as
the psychological chains of slavery. Dr. Gwendolyn Goldbsy Grant, the author
of the book The Best Kind of Loving (1995), calls it the auction-block syndrome.
The auction block was the place where our ancestors were judged and sold with no
thought to their human dignity or feelings. It is extremely painful to think
about the indignities they suffered. Yet their experiences are part of what some
experts describe as genetic memory and consequently affect the psyche of all
African-Americans. I believe, however, that our history cannot and should not be
discounted if we are going to fully understand why we, as African American men
and women, behave the way we do. In order to begin the healing process we need
to know where the pain is coming from. To do this we must take a step back in
time and critically examine how Black men, women and children were treated by
White America during slavery and the century following the emancipation if we
expect to find answers to the today's problems. The reality is that in spite of
the educational, economic, and social gains that Blacks have made, America still
operates as an oppressive system that has been, and continues to be, responsible
for keeping a large number of African Americans trapped in the lowest strata of
American economic, political and social life. I believe there is a direct
correlation between our ability and inability to problem solve and our common
experience of being Black in America. In other words the oppressed is not
entirely responsible for his or her oppression. According to Dr. Grant, the
Black family prior to 1960 was known for its strength, endurance, and stability.
The survival of Black Americans in the midst of extreme cruelty and cultural
deprivation has actually been attributed to a strong, stable and supportive
Black family. Relationships between Black men and Black women during this time
were tightly bonded on the basis of experience and mutual respect. She states
that the relationships were genuine partnerships. Black men and Black women
modeled manhood and womanhood as an equal working unit, not on who was the major
breadwinner. Elsie B. Washington in her book Uncivil War the Struggle Between
Black Men and Women (1996), gives an overview of the Black male/Black female
relationship beginning with slavery. She chronicles the obstacles that Black men
and women faced during emancipation, through reconstruction, through the great
migration, through the roaring twenties and the Great Depression and up to the
Civil Rights Movement. Dr. Andrew Billingsley confirms Grant's assessment of the
Black family in his book Climbing Jacob's Ladder (1992). He writes: "For the
hundred-year period between the end of slavery and the aftermath of World War
II, the structure of African American family life was characterized by a
remarkable degree of stability. Specifically, the core of the traditional
African-American family system has been the nuclear family composed of husband
and wife and their own children. Divorce was rare and couples stayed together
till the death of a spouse. Children lived with their parents until maturity,
then started their own families. As late as 1960 when uneducated Black men
could still hold good-paying blue-collar jobs in the industrial sector, married
couples headed 78 percent of all Black families with children. By 1970 only 64
percent of African American families with children were headed by married
couples. This declined steadily to a minority of 48 percent by 1980; and to 39
percent by 1990 and the trend is likely to continue into the future." Dr.
Billingsley says that beginning in 1980, for the first time in history,
female-headed families with children outnumber married-couple families with
children. What is important to note here is that Dr. Billingsley is speaking of
ALL families! This is the first time since slavery that a majority of Black
children are living in single-parent families. Dr. Billingsley is an
optimist and his works on the Black family centers around its flexibility and
adaptability instead of its pathology. He underscores that marriage is only one
of several basis for family formation and endurance. Black men and women have
been avoiding or abandoning marriage in record number during recent years, and
this trend speaks more to a shift in the marriage relation than in the family
structure itself. This trend simply means that a number of alternative family
structures have arisen in post-industrial America that are more suited to the
diversity of the African-American family structure. Unlike Dr. Billingsley,
Washington sees the great migration as the turning point for the change in the
Black family extended structure. She states that it was during this time that
parents and children moved away from grandparents, aunts and uncles who not only
provided support as part of the extended family network but also served as
unpaid child caretakers and mediators of marital disputes and disagreements.
It's important to note that White sociologists initially labeled the extended
family structure as dysfunctional. According to Washington, not only did White
sociologists view the extended family structure as a foreign concept but it was
also contrary to the individualistic, Euro-centric viewpoint which stresses
every man and every family for themselves. Washington looks closely at the
Civil Rights Movement when Black men and Black women marched and protested side
by side with fair-minded Whites to end racism. She suggests that some areas of
conflict between Black men and Black women were compounded by the structure of
the civil rights organizations. For example, many of the organizations were
closely allied to, and modeled after, Black churches where men were the leaders.
In most churches the pastors and important officers were men while women were
assigned to manage auxiliary and support areas. White men had the vast majority
of leadership roles in the larger society, so it seemed that to be "equal" Black
men had to be the leaders of Black organizations. Or as Washington points out,
Black men and women believed that to be integrated with Whites, they needed to
behave the same as Whites. For the most part, Black women in the movement were
ready for Black men to take the lead and stand up to the system in a forceful
non-violent way and Black men did just that. Washington also indicates that a
lot of the Black men in the Civil Rights and Black Power movements considered
women as the rewards for the soldiers or warriors who were on the front lines.
Not only were women relegated to lesser roles of importance but also it was
generally believed that women would serve the movement best in roles of sexual
and domestic support. An oft-repeated quotation that was attributed to Stokely
Carmichael is that "the best position for women (in the struggle) is prone."
During the 1960s and 1970s both Black men and Black women dated
inter-racially. This created another problem for Black male/Black female
relationships. Black men justified their attraction to White women as an act of
revenge against White men for raping Black women during slavery. Some Black
women counter-reacted and responded to the advances of White men who were in the
movement. It was during this time of Black and White togetherness that many
people had their first encounter with someone of a different race. Education
attainment also became the great un-equalizer between Black males and Black
females. Almost invariably in any number of Black families with male and female
siblings, one or more of the females will obtain college educations. Why is
this? Unlike their sisters, boys are encouraged to be willful and involved in
sports and other "manly" pursuits, or to work part time. Girls on the other
hand, according to Washington, are taught to be disciplined, to study hard and
to help out at home. This difference in educational attainment for Black males
and Black females has a historical base. Black parents knew that their sons
could obtain blue-collar occupations and earn enough to support themselves and
their families. But, more often, their daughters, whose major avenue for
employment was domestic work, were sent to college. As a consequence, Black
parents encouraged their daughters to be good students because college was the
only way for them to avoid "Miss Ann's kitchen." Their sons, on the other hand,
who could earn "good" money in factories and foundries, often dropped out of
school early to get a job. This historical adaptation to post-war conditions has
evolved into disparate expectations for the education of Black boys and girls.
The lowered anticipation of success along with the larger society's ever-present
apprehensiveness about Black males, have combined to ensure that Black boys do
not receive the attention or encouragement in school that they should. In the
last several years Black social scientists and others have begun to describe how
Black boys are discriminated against in the primary grades. Those black boys for
whom academic attainment is discouraged, both at the school and in the
community, rarely go on to higher education. Consequently, many Black men have
been unable to take advantage of the same educational grants and opportunities
that Black women obtained. The 1970s saw openings for Blacks in white-collar
positions in corporate White America that previously had not
existed. Additionally, the Women's Liberation Movement created a push to open
doors for women in business. Employers could fulfill both gender and racial
quotas by hiring a Black female. Black men also suspected that Black women were
preferred to them because White employers perceived Black women to be less
threatening than Black men. And although few Black women joined the ranks of
the demonstrating women's liberationists, many did agree with the call for
equality with men. The issue of sexism and male domination raised by White
feminists struck a responsive chord in Black women causing them to look at their
own history with Black men. The truth was that sexism was and always had been a
part of their relationships. bell hooks, writes in her book Yearning (1990):
". . . until Black men can face the reality that sexism empowers them despite
the impact of racism in their lives. . . . Historically the language used to
describe the way Black men are victimized within the American racist society has
been sexualized. When words like castrations, emasculation, impotency are
commonly used terms to describe the nature of Black male suffering, a discursive
practice is established that links Black male liberation with gaining the right
to participate full with patriarchy. Embedded in the assumption is the idea that
Black women who are not willing to assist Black men in their efforts to become
patriarchs are the "enemy". . . Until Black women and men begin to seriously
confront sexism in the Black communities, as well as within Black individuals
who live in predominantly White settings, we will continue to witness mounting
tensions and ongoing divisiveness between the two groups. Masculinity as it is
conceived with patriarchy is life-threatening to Black men." By tradition and
circumstance Black men occupied the dominant role in most Black families and
organizations, and Black women had largely accepted this. However, the financial
independence that came with education and better paying jobs made Black women
less willing to put up with sexism, or any other type of abuse, from Black men.
Black women also had more control over their lives with the advent of easier
methods of birth control and legalized abortion, which they took advantage of,
often over the protests of Black men. However, Black men did not see themselves
as oppressors of their women but rather they saw themselves as the victims of
White America. Black women who make more money than Black men are often said to
have an "attitude," and it is "attitude" that makes Black women less desirable
as marriage partners. Other women, sympathetic to the Black man's plight, agree
that his life is more difficult. The issue of who has it easier or tougher
has now become a point of contention between Black men and Black women. Dr.
David Ellwood in his book Poor Support (1988) states that there is accumulating
evidence to support that part of the problem with Black male Black female
relationships is the lack of jobs for young black men. According to Children's
Defense Fund director Marian Wright Edelman, in the late 1980s there were 12
million more White men in the labor force than White women. At the same time,
the average number of Black women employed exceeded the average number of Black
men who also had jobs. By the late 1980s high-paying blue-collar jobs had all
but disappeared due to the epidemic of plant closing. According to David Driver,
author of the book Defending the Left (1992), approximately 500,000 U.S. jobs
were exported to Mexico. By 1990, 32 percent of Black men in their prime
productive years aged 20 to 44 were without work. In 1930 a full 80 percent of
all Black men were employed. By 1983 the number of employed Black men had
dwindled to 56 percent. Surveys indicate that many Black men say that a woman
with more education and/or a higher salary, education, does not intimidate them.
Money, however continues to be a sore point between Black men and Black
women. Some Black men say that is not so much the money or the degree, but the
attitude of superiority that these Black women bring to the
relationship. African American sociologist Hank Allen writes in his book The
Black Family "that perhaps the most difficult obstacle Black families face is
not moral, economic, political or organizational but physiological-culture."
Black psychologists Derek and Darlene Powell Hopson, in their book, Friends,
Lovers and Soulmates (1994), suggest that Black have internalized the irrational
messages of racism, and they feel a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness
that creates low self esteem, depression and self-defeating behavior. In an
essay that appeared in Lenora Fulani's book The Psychopathology of Everyday
Racism and Sexism (1988), Judy Simmons writes: ". . . We (Black) women have had
a high degree of responsibility, decision-making power and self-reliance in the
family and social matters; however, I think many of us have neither sought nor
enjoyed our independence. We wanted and expected to be part of the romantic
nuclear family despite all the evidence we have had for generations that this is
a slim possibility. So we've tended to feel cheated and mistreated by men and
life. Since we do not realistically prepare ourselves for the responsibilities
that remain after our dependent-mating dreams die, we are usually under the gun
financially and psychologically, overwhelmed, overburdened and feeling
powerless." Dr. Cornel West, professor of religion at Harvard, agrees with the
Hopsons that a profound sense of psychological depression, sense of personal
worthlessness and social despair have befallen African Americans. He is quoted
in Washington's book as saying, "The frightening result is a numbing detachment
from others and a self-destructive disposition toward the world." He goes on to
say:"life without meaning, hope and love breeds a cold-hearted, mean-spirited
outlook that destroys the individual and others." Washington agrees that much of
the negative behavior exhibited in Black male/Black female relationships fits
what Dr. West's characterization of "cold-hearted" and "mean spirited." Adultery
and abandonment of one's spouse and children, she writes, are indeed cold
hearted, selfish and cruel. Physical and mental abusiveness is indeed
mean-spirited behavior. The same can be said of African Americans who make
sweeping negative statements such as "Black men ain't shit" or "Black women are
bitches and hoes (whores) with attitude." Black women are always listening to
people (usually men) telling them they have an "attitude" problem." Individually
and as a group, Black women have been called bitchy, bossy, and evil. Essence
Magazine editor-in-chief Susan Taylor says that Black women are not bitchy,
bossy or evil. She believes that Black women are just plain tired. "Tired of man
troubles and money troubles and work troubles. Tired of having people play games
with our heads, our bodies, and our feelings. Tired of feeling anxious, and
tired of being worried. Tired of working so hard and being blamed for so much of
what goes wrong. Tired of feeling powerless, and tired of being disappointed,
and tired of being called too strong." And what about Black men? Richard
Majors' book Cool Pose (1992) that he co-authored with Janet Mancini Billison
says it all. Historically, racism and discrimination have inflicted a variety of
harsh injustices on African-American males in the United States. Being male and
Black has meant being psychologically castrated and rendered impotent in the
economic, political, and social arenas that White men have historically
dominated. Black men learned long ago that the classic American virtues of
thrift, perseverance, and hard work did not give them the same tangible rewards
that Whites received. Often Black men are the last ones hired and the first ones
fired. Yet Black men have defined their manhood in terms familiar to White men
breadwinner, provider, procreator and protector. Unfortunately, unlike White
men, Black men have not had consistent access to the same means to fulfill their
dreams of masculinity and success. Many have become frustrated, angry,
embittered, alienated, and impatient. For some Black males, the two most
common responses to blocked opportunities are rigidity and aggression. In
American society some Black men demonstrate their masculinity through violence,
toughness and the symbolic control over others. Rutgers University professor
of psychology Nancy Boyd Franklin believes that African American men and women
are greatly impacted by distorted and negative images of themselves. She
believes that what keeps Black men and Black women apart have more to do with
external forces and our own internalization of negative, victimizing messages.
Through literature, the printed and electronic media, America has historically
demeaned Black intelligence, morals and physical attributes. In place of
reality, White America, or what Dr. West calls "white supremacist ideology" has
presented negative, stereotypical images of African Americans and Black culture.
The consistent lack of positive Black images is psychologically devastating to
African American. The demythologizing of Black sexuality is crucial for Black
America. So much of Black self-hatred and self-contempt has to do with the
refusal of many Black Americans to love their own Black bodies according to Dr.
West. And if a Black men and women has contempt for themselves because they are
Black, how can they love and cherish each other? Black men need to understand
that attitude is perceived as a message to the world that say, "I can take care
of myself." All attitudes are not always negative. Positive attitude, or "truth
telling," comes out of real strength. It is an example of how Black women have
managed to use their righteous and justifiable anger to empower themselves
through all these hard years. Positive attitude helps us get what we need and
deserve. Attitude becomes negative and self-defeating when it ends up hurting
ourselves or those we love. It is negative when it creates a defensive posture
that we put around ourselves, like a wall, to keep from feeling any more pain or
loss. Attitude is a way of concealing vulnerability. When a Black female shows a
lot of negative attitude, there is always an underlying reason. Usually, she is
overwhelmingly hurt and disappointed by everything that has happened to her and
everything that she has seen. Often her self-esteem has taken such a beating
that she feels nothing but rage. Should African American men and women continue
to define their manhood and womanhood by mainstream standards or should they
redefine for themselves what it means to be a Black man and Black woman in
America? William July suggests in his book Understanding the Tin Man (1999)
that the redefinition for African American men should begin with a recreation of
their image in their own minds, making a conscious separation from negative
stereotypes of African American men. This redefinition of manhood for African
Americans, according to July, lies in the Black man's ability to connect to a
greater spiritual power outside of himself. Washington echoes July's
sentiment. She states that traditional African society is imbued with a
reverence for the spiritual and that African American spirituality has been the
saving grace in the United States. California psychotherapist, Dr. Derethia Du
Val strongly advised that Africa Americans turn to the Black community for their
own definitions of Black man and Black womanhood. Many African Americans, says
Du Val, are confused as to "how to be Black people in this world and it's
affecting how we communicate with each other." In centuries past "Africans
revered the image of the woman symbolically and physically. Women were an
integral part of the development of the community." Now, she laments, "we're
looking to someone else's value system to show us how to relate to each other
and it doesn't fit our reality. Many young women look to the White value system
for role definition," Dr. Du Val adds, "so consequently, they have lost the
strategies that their mother had in terms of seeing a vast number of available
men in the Black community." In conclusion, it is obvious that many external and
internal factors affect Black male/Black females relationships. Many of the
external factors are beyond our power to control, yet there are some things we
can control. We can change how we relate to each other. We can love and support
each other. We can stop hurting and downgrading each other. We can change how we
define ourselves. We can place more emphasis on our spiritual development. We
are not worthless. We are not void of emotion. We are not un-loveable. When we
suffer from depression counseling is available. We need to know our history.
When we know our history we will not be so quick to judge each other or
ourselves for our shortcomings. Knowing our history will allow us to celebrate
the determination Black men and Black women have demonstrated in the past, and
continue to demonstrate in spite of horrendous odds against us. Knowing our
history will help us build better and stronger Black male/Black female
relationships.
Works Cited Billingsley, Andrew. Climbing Jacob's Ladder. New York;
Simon & Schuster, 1992. Driver, David. Defending the Left. Chicago; Noble
Press, 1992 Ellwood, David. Poor Support. New York; Basic Books,
1988 Fulani, Lenora. The Psychopathology of Everyday Racism & Sexism;
Harrington Park Press, 1998. Grant - Godsby, Gwendolyn. The Best Kind of
Loving. New York; Harper; Collins Publishing, 1995. hooks, bell. Yearnings;
South End Press, 1990 Hopson, Derek and Darlene. Friends, Lovers and
Soulmates. New York; Simon & Schuster, 1994 July, Williams II.
Understanding the Tin Man. New York; Doubleday Publishing, 1991. Majors,
Richard and Billson-Mancini, Jane. Cool Pose. New York; Simon & Schuster,
1992 Washington, Elsie. Uncivil War the Struggle Between Black Men and Women.
Chicago; The Noble Press 1996 Solutions for Resolving Conflicts in Black Male and Black Female Relationships Black Agenda
